


All together, all in

by Pepper_m3at



Series: All together, all in [1]
Category: K-pop, Monsta X (Band), 걸어 | All in - Monsta X (Music Video)
Genre: 2won, Angst, BoyxBoy, Fluff, HyungWonho - Freeform, M/M, monstax, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-02 08:19:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pepper_m3at/pseuds/Pepper_m3at
Summary: Do you have a person, that you would sacrifice everything you have for? Would you lay your life in their hands, even tho the future is very uncertain? Would you take a bullet for them, even though they could be gone tomorrow just like the yesterday's snow? Life is full of hard decisions, and only God knows, that all of them in the context of love tragedy are pointless - they don't have any impact, they are here just to give the fake impression of hope. All of your choices don't matter.Or do they?





	1. Prologue - How the End began

**Author's Note:**

> //Quick note from the author: Hey hey and hello! It's my first fanfiction ever, but I will try my best to keep it on the highest level possible! Also: a big ass warning - there's going to be a lot of violence, strong language, topics connected to mental health and suicide (since it takes place in the universe presented in the "All in" MV. It's also a bl story and a slowburn, so if you're very soft, impatient and don't like boys loving boys - I think it's not made for you. But enough of me rambling about it, I hope you will enjoy it, have fun!//

Easing the pain is the hardest in the evening, when not only your body is tired, but your mind wanders somewhere else, and most of the times – does not want to come back. Sitting in the shower tray, Hoseok was brushing his hair back and forth with fingers, while cold, freezing water was dripping from his face and hands. It was definitely enough for today. Fuck, enough for this whole week. Not only was he tired – he also felt extremely hopeless, but this crisis was common, especially in the evening – when he dreamt of nothing but just putting himself to sleep. But this time it was different – he felt that inside. He suspected that it was something more than just a serious downfall, but if there was no reason, why everything all of a sudden just felt hopeless? The sound of rushing water got muted by his thoughts that were loud and wouldn’t let one another speak. Try to forget about all of it – he thought, but it surely didn’t help. Raising his heavy head, he almost choked because of the water that poured into his nostrils. Sometimes he just wanted to be surrounded by silence, but the static that was growing in his head was almost unbearable. The ending of such memorable day was very exhausting, and yet, he didn’t feel like sleeping at all. The day he almost lost his friend was almost like the beginning of the end.

“At least he is alive.” He said into the mirror, after drying his face with a towel. Proclaiming that was meant to make him feel better, but in fact, only made everything worse, to the point that almost dried face got wet again, from the tears trying to overtake one another in the race through his rough face. Wonho bit his lip and sobbed, for the first time today. He is alive, but what if it all went the other way? What would’ve happened if… Exactly. What if. Be grateful that at least you would see him again, you idiot. Be grateful for another day, because what if tomorrow never comes?

“You’re definitely thinking too much.” He didn’t even notice when Changkyun put hand on his arm. He turned his head and shook it in misbelief, but didn’t say anything. “Everything is just fine now, you can go to sleep now. I’ll be on watch”, he sounded so resigned. Hoseok blinked a few times, emotionlessly and sighed, not saying anything again. His friend was looking at him, all concerned, but managed only to squeeze his lips into a tight line. They stood in silence for a while, cutting it with their breaths, once in a while. A moment like this could be seen as very intimate and – in fact it was – but it was another level of intimacy. The only one that two people connected by something big, important can share.

“Are you sure Jooheon will be fine?”, he decided to break the silence first, but he had to wait for a response for the next long two minutes. Changkyun took a deep breath and wanted to say something, but when he opened his mouth, no words could be heard. They looked at each other again, and he finally answered.  
“I am not a prophet, Wonho. How can I tell that? He is weak and injured, he is… Stable, for now. But don’t know what will happen later? I am no oracle to tell you if he will be fine, all I know for now is that he IS fine. Will he keep it up? I don’t know.” Hoseok didn’t expect that sudden burst of words, all pointed aggressively at him, so he made a step back. But his friend automatically calmed down and stroked his face with fingers. “I’m sorry, I still can’t get over what happened.”

Hoseok nodded and sighed. It was a long day, and it seemed like much longer night was awaiting them. “You look definitely more tired than I do”, he noticed and patted his friend’s shoulder, “I can keep the night guard today, I will be alright. And I don’t accept any objections”, he added as soon as he noticed that Changkyun has something to say. The man just smiled widely and shook his head in misbelief, walking away. Hoseok stood there for a while and then left the bathroom too. A long night, so it would seem.  
He just went to the kitchen and poured some water to the cup, feeling the torpor kicking in, as he stared at the flowing water. He was in fact tired, but Changkyun needed sleep more at that moment, definitely more. In fact, Hoseok almost always acted as if he was the one who had the most self confidence of all. He tried to act egocentric in front of other people, to create the facade of a strong person – the man that they should rather fear than want to sympathize with. But only the chosen ones saw his true identity – only those six people he shared his fate with. 

While walking upstairs, he drank some water and checked on the others. There were only 4 of them in the house now - two being him and Changkyun, and the other two - Jooheon, probably unconscious; and Kihyun - probably reading something right now to move his thoughts away from today's dense situation. Wonho stepped on the first floor of the building - which looked like a big mess, with a few mattresses lying carelessly on the floor, some covered with dirty towels, and some with… He couldn't help, but sigh with pained smile when he saw a body on one of them. Jooheon was still pale but the blushes on his cheeks, nose and forehead caused by the fever suggested that he was more than alive right now. He looked… really bad - even though he was bandaged and given the first aid, the blood soaked through the cloth they used to stem the hemorrhage. They decided to remove the bullet afterwards, but Hoseok could already tell that his friend's body wasn't taking it so well. When Jooheon's face grimaced in pain, he thought that maybe he is going to wake up and greet him with his typical “Whatchu lookin’ at? Don't have anything better to do?”, but the mouth of the wounded stayed shut.  
He didn't know for how long he stared at his unconscious friend, but when he finally realized that the guard wasn't something he should miss, he decided to do one more thing. Taking off the shawl from his neck, he poured some cold water he was about to drink on it, and - kneeling next to his friend - applied this compress on his forehead. He spent too much time there, so without further ado he climbed in the roof with the help of an unstable metal ladder. 

The fresh air hit him in the face like today's events, and washed away all of the tiredness. The roof really felt like the top of the world for him right now, and he, Lee Hoseok, felt like a king. Like a baffled king.

The city was very calm tonight, but the tense situation of past months caused the Police hour to start earlier, and pushed the authorities to set even more patrols. So when he saw a soldier he just quickly backed off and lied down on the ground. But except for that, nothing really uncommon was occuring.  
Sometimes he could hear an intense coughing, that reminded him of his mother, but he quickly got rid of these thoughts. He gave her money for the treatment, she should be safe right now.

Sometimes, when he was getting sleepy again, a freezing blow of wind was like a slap in the face, so he didn't have many problems with staying awake.  
Sometimes he saw the moon, when it decided to uncover its face from the clouds, and shine it's bright stolen light at Hoseok.

He really loved the nighttime - that's when they firstly were organising their meetings - with Jooheon as their ringleader. When he thought about it: it always had been all fun and games. They also had had that sense of risk, but what exactly pushed them to stand against the fake idols? Was it charismatic Jooheon who brought them all into this circle of madness, or was it just a decision that each and every one of them made one night? Not all of them were facing the injustice, so what was the main reason? Hoseok closed his eyes and lied down on the cold concrete and brushed soot out of his hair, blinking a few times, thinking of the answer to the question that everybody thought about, but was never asked. 

“What is the purpose?” he said to the void, not really expecting any kind of answer. He just wanted to say it out loud, to reassure himself that all of this is real and it's not just another pointless nightmare or a hallucination caused by famine. Wonho combed his hair back with fingers and took a wrinkled photography out of his pocket, and held it in his hand, staring into it. Now it seemed just unreal, that the times before The Clan existed - furthermore - there were only six of them by the time, but they didn't pick any name for themselves. Because who were they? A bunch of kids with dreams and expectations set probably way too high. Teenagers who had thought that the world lies upon their feet, but hadn't expect that it could be very rough surface to walk on. Wonho smiled, seeing Hyunwoo's scratched knees and his own broken left arm. Kihyun didn't need the crutches back then yet, so the picture had to be at least five years old. He remembered that day Hyungwon took that one particular photo, because he didn't want to be shown in it. Hoseok couldn't understand that - it was just a damn photo, even Minhyuk agreed to appear in it, but Chae wasn't eager to do so. So they all came to an agreement, that that tall, pale skinny boy will be the photographer. Wonho remembered his smile while he was taking a picture, his bright smile. Even though Hyungwon wasn't in the photo, he definitely could feel his energy radiating from it. Maybe it was his manner of photographing or maybe it was just a weird occurrence, but everytime he looked at it, he couldn't think of anything but Chae’s bright smile. And maybe Jooheon's laughter. That radiated from the piece too.

Then, times got darker, and they all had grown up. It's sad, to think of it, how much things only time can change. Starting from appearance, and going to one's mindset. Five years ago Hoseok hadn't even thought about becoming a rebel, and he was pretty sure than others hadn't much thought on it too. Well, maybe Jooheon was born with the plan to change the world, and they were out his apostles? Who would've guessed, how the future was going to play out, and how much would they have to sacrifice for the sake of freedom and their own lives? The Clan wasn't some kind of a child's play, and they realised it clearly after one of them almost died. They moved too far, to the point when there was almost no escape at all. No possible way to turn things around, play them cool. They were not kids anymore, nor teenagers.  
Wonho held the photo, waving it up and down in the air and took a deep breath. How did it all escalate so quickly? As said before, he never thought that he, a simply boy from the suburbs who always preferred to say peaceful, became one of the symbols of the change. He hadn't treated their commitments as some serious manifesto before, he just thought that they are doing it to piss off the rich. He wasn't wrong, although the issue was much deeper than he thought. He shoved the photograph back to his pocket and stood up. The soldiers disappeared from the streets, and maybe that fact should make him more relaxed, it actually made him suspicious. Where did they all go? He sat on the edge of the building and tried to look around carefully, bending a little. He almost fell down, when he heard Jooheon's coughing and already wanted to go back outside, but hesitated for a second. Should he leave his watch? There were others in the building already, they could go and check what's happening to their friend. But when Jooheon coughed again, Hoseok immediately slided down the ladder, all in worries. He kneeled next to his friend and shook his arm slightly.

“Finally, somebody.”, his friend uttered. “I thought I'd have to get something to drink by myself… Shit, it hurts.”, he coughed again, holding hand on his stomach. Wonho sighed with relief.

“I thought you were dying here, for a second.”, he admitted.

“Oh, well fuck, it seems like I am dying all day, and the death does not want me. Maybe I am too much of an asshole?”

“Just maybe?” Hoseok let his friend wrap his weak, pale arm around his neck and helped Jooheon get up. The man looked at him with pained smile.

“How am I supposed to know that, I think I treat myself pretty well. Where's I.M.?”, he asked, while looking around just to find out, that the smallest of the group lies peacefully next to the wall, covered with his jacket. He smiled, exposing his dimples. “He must've been scared…”

“We were all scared, in fact.”, Wonho admitted and led his friend downstairs. “Hopefully, you are feeling better?”

“For a guy that got a bullet in his chest? I feel fantastic. Wait for a few more minutes and maybe I'll start dancing”, he laughed but bent down a bit, due to the pain in his chest. At least he didn't lose his sense of humor, without it they probably wouldn't be so eager to still fight on. Hoseok was looking at his friend with mixed feelings, but only in a positive way. He didn't know whether he should feel worried about Jooheon, or just should admire his will to survive.

“Oh look, your inner joker awoke.”, Wonho sighed, smiling, to which Jooheon responded with soft, pale grin. “Can't lie, I am pretty happy to see it. You are on a way to recovery, you just need to lie down for a long time, and keep yourself from doing.. Well basically anything. We don't want you to get weaker.”

“Huh? Listen Wonho, I won't ever be weak, look at me, I am a proper example of a healthy man of my age.” Jooheon looked almost as if Hoseok just insulted him, rising his eyebrows and squinting his eyes at the same time. 

“Yeah, a healthy man of his age with bullet under his heart.” He helped his friend sit down and pushed the chair to the counter, so he could rest his arms down.  
“Didn't you take it out?”, asked the patient, rolling his eyes and resting chin on hands. Wonho poured some water to the cup without any words, just smiling under his nose. “Hey, I asked you a question, Mr Mysterio.”, he grumbled. Wonho turned around and shook a small package filled with painkillers. He was always like this. Jooheon wants - Jooheon better gets, because if not, things are going to get nasty. It surprised Hoseok when they first met, because he knew that his friend wasn't born in a rich household, so his pettiness couldn't be explained by his social status. In opposite to blue haired man, Lee Jooheon wasn't pretending that he has a hard skin - it was just the way he had been all along. Strong, with a mentality of great strategist, but alas - he wasn't chosen the leader. Wonho remembered that he had wanted to be a leader too - but they had picked Shownu. Nobody knew why - well, nobody, except Jooheon. The two seemed to be pretty close - even though their personalities were almost one hundred percent opposite, they got along very quickly. 

Hyunwoo, who they had decided to give a cryptonite Shownu, was the type of martyr, at least Hoseok saw him as one. He had a low social status, a terrible sickness running in his family, they were always under the surveillance of the government, for god only knows what reason. But he took it all without a frown, and more - he had taken them all under his wings, to help them survive. He wasn't the brightest person, but he had very strict sense of morality, almost a codex.  
“Hello? Mr Lee the second, are you with us?” Jooheon let out a not very happy grunt. Wonho shook his head and handed water to his friend, then put two painkillers on the counter.  
“Sorry, I just got carried away by memories”, he quickly explained “I am here, just… I don't know, it's all so fucked.”  
“You say that to me?”, his friend laughed and shook his head, wiping the sweat out of his forehead, and sighed with some difficulties, then swallowed the pill and washed it down with water. He coughed again, a few times, so Wonho wanted to offer him a hand, but he shook his head. He looked in his friend eyes dead serious. “I’m not some kind of a fucking cripple, get off, I can do it all by myself.”, he put away the glass of water and looked through the window. “You left us off guard, you know? That’s not very reasonable.”  
“You were thankful a minute before that I came to you, and now you are acting like this? That’s not very…”

“I AM thankful, but it’s irresponsible as fuck, what were you thinking? You should’ve woken up somebody to go take your place!”, Jooheon shook his head and sighed again.  
“I’ll go back, if you want, but what about you? You can’t carry yourself to bed by yourself.”

“Bold of you to assume that we have a bed here.” Wonho’s friend crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow. “I can walk, I am able to, it just hurts a lot, you know. I’ll be fine, mongrels like us pull through stuff pretty quick, don’t you know?” he smiled sadly and got up, still holding the counter.

“We are not mongrels, Jooheon, especially not you.” Hoseok rested his hand on his friend’s arm. “Please, don’t strain yourself that much, and let us help you.” His words hung in the void, as he and his friend exchanged concerned looks. His friend just nodded slightly and started slowly crawling up the stairs, as Wonho followed his footsteps, watching over him, in case he tripped and was about to fall down. But Jooheon did pretty well, aside from some slips here and there. He slowly lied down on the mattress and covered his eyes with palms, breathing still very shallowly, because of his chest compression. Seeing that, Hoseok smiled slightly and went back on the roof, expecting something totally different from what he saw.  
Kihyun was sitting on the edge, bowed down, with a soft coat on his shoulders. When he felt Wonho’s presence, he just turned his head to his friend and greeted him with a sleepy smile.  
“Go to sleep, Hoseok” he said, wiping his eyes. “I’ll take the guard. Look at yourself.”

“How did you get there without any help?” Wonho asked immediately, raising his eyebrows and smiled with admiration. His friend just gave the shy smile back. “You don’t even have the crutches with you, how did you do that?”

“I crawled on the ladder, I still have legs, you know that, right?.” he said with pretended discontent on his face and he slowly stood up, walking unsteadily towards his friend. Hoseok immediately grabbed him, so he wouldn’t have to tire his legs up. Kihyun nodded thankfully and, with a caring smile, took off his coat and wrapped it around Wonho’s broad shoulders. It was a bit too long, but other than this, it fitted him just right. “You should really go to sleep, you have to go get some food tomorrow, and check on Hyunwoo, Hyungwon and Minhyuk. Remember?”

“Yes, I do.”


	2. Chapter 1 - No diggity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so here we, go! this is the slow introduction, I hope you guys will enjoy it! i decided to not only focus on Hyungwon and Wonho, but the other members as well. i think that it will really add to the story itself .  
> enough of my rambling, to the chapter we go!

“...two canisters of water, and if you could find any potatoes, that would be just wonderful.” finished Kihyun, sitting on the counter and bandaging Jooheon’s head with his delicate, small fingers. Wonho was chewing on a stale bread, and observing them watchfully, nodding from time to time, to give his friend impression that he listens. “Or maybe three, four… canisters would be better, since he is…”

“No, no, no.” Jooheon waved his hand in the air and shook his head. “You can take three, but remember it’s not because I need them. You all need to stay strong, and hydrated.This is the main reason we need the water.” he wrinkled his nose, and Kihyun smiled with resignation. Hoseok nodded again, finishing the slice and putting on his old jacket.

“Sure.” he said quickly and looked at them again “Kihyun, keep an eye on him, yesterday he wanted to get upstairs by his own and I let him. Don’t be me!” he laughed brightly, showing off his white, shiny teeth. Kihyun looked as shook, as he was disgusted by that. He sighed and closed his eyes, massaging his temple.

“Of course, how could I expect responsibility from any of you? I should bash you yesterday, instead of letting you go to sleep!” He smiled weakly and punched Wonho slightly in his arm. His friend just chuckled and waved, while heading towards the exit.

The sun shined bright today, even if it was still early in the morning. Hoseok breathed in the polluted air, which still felt fresh and freezing, but the sun was tickling his back, making him feel warm. In most of the facilities, windows remained closed, most of the residents were probably still asleep. He looked around curiously - the silence was only disturbed by the dog barking and the sounds of morning routine in the military garrison. He noticed that it was probably raining at some point last night - because the ground felt slightly wet, and walls of most buildings still had some water stains on them. But the sky was clear - as it mostly is by day. Wonhi felt like the nature was calming him right now - he finally felt the peace inside, that he was looking for all night long. He still heard Changkyun's voice in his head. “Why did he let them shoot him?” was played on repeat. If he only knew the actual answer… Maybe that would calm the kid down. The case with I.M. was really strange, he created a bond with them pretty quickly - they adopted him almost like a dog pack sometimes adopt lost wolf cub. But he wasn't an orphan - he had a family. But what a family it was. A bunch of freaks who wanted to have him brainwashed, who thought that by meeting with people like Jooheon or Minhyuk he would get depraved, but they were the ones depraving him. Hoseok remembered the first time he had talked with Chankgkyun - he had been a bit afraid that he would lose himself and punch that annoying kid, because of all the bullshit he had been spreading around. But he had realised that this is not his fault - it was because of the “family”. They had taught him how to hate others and how he was the only person who was right. At first they couldn't find anything in common, and Wonho was annoyed to the point he almost kicked that skinny fucker out of their house. But he hesitated and got to know the real Im Chankgkyun. Scared teenager, who couldn't stand by himself, with lots of personality issues. Jooheon on the other hand almost immediately grew protective of the new member of The Clan. And, it seemed for now that only him and maybe some kind of God - knew the reason why. “I don't want him to die, do something!”.

Hoseok shook his head and started walking faster, feeling unpleasant shivers down his spine. Do something - so he did, of course with little help… But he wasn’t born to be a fucking doctor, was he? At least they had Minhyuk, who could help them, but how much trust could they put in a person, who actually was only rational when he was drunk? But they were still friends. The third Lee had his problems and Wonho didn’t even try to deny it - the guy sometimes drunk himself almost to death The worst thing, Wonho thought, was that Minhyuk had known and had been fully aware that he has drinking problem, but he wouldn’t admit it. But they all knew. And they all were afraid that one day their dearest friend would lose his grip on reality, like Hyungwon did, but… Maybe it was a different case - it hadn’t had anything to do with alcohol, it just happen. One day, the smiling man, full of energy and hope just snapped, like a maple under impression of a hurricane. His bright smile definitely lost its volume, it was weakened, much narrower, without the charismatic spark of past days. But Hoseok still believed, that there is a cure, for a sickness nobody could find a name for, to recoup lost souls, to save them and never let them get lost again. From the deep bottom of his heart, he wanted to cure all of the broken people in this world, even those who started all this shitshow. He was the fighter, the one with the balls big enough to stand against an army without a weapon - and yet, all he craved was peace. He didn’t hate those people - he pitied them.

“Hoseok, it’s nice to see you… Where have you been?” he heard familiar voice of old woman and turned his head; when he saw his grandma he just smiled and sighed. “We were all worried and we heard that… There was a fusillade on the main square, we all thought…”

“I haven’t heard about any... Are you all okay?” he asked, as he held her hand and slowly stroked it. The woman sighed with resignation and closed her eyes, holding hard on her grandson’s palms.

“You were there, weren’t you? I can see it in your eyes… Hoseok, you are a terrible liar. If you ever want to save yourself, don’t lie.” she shook her head and bit her lip. “Why are you doing this? To your family, to… All the people that you have left behind. You won’t change the world, this is just… This is how it has to be.” she said with resignation in her voice. He couldn’t say that he didn’t understand her point of view. But then suddenly she gave him a bag and smiled, looking at him with pride in her eyes. He was surprised, when she just nodded slightly and almost immediately walked away, just saying quietly “You should eat more, and share it with the others, alright? And may the God watch over you all, you definitely will need his help.”

He didn’t even say a word, he know that it would look very strange if he talked to her for more than a few minutes, in the middle of empty street. It wasn’t the market day anyway. He headed towards Hyunwoo’s house as fast as he could, and knocked at the door.

But only silence answered him. So he knocked again, and again, until familiar face of a white haired man shown in front of him. Minhyuk definitely smelled worse than he looked. He had dark circles under his eyes and his lips were unevenly swollen; his hair - shiny and nice before - now were covered in dirt and mechanical oil. But he still has that witty charm in his eyes, after all these years, this was the only thing that stayed the same. But the smell… Old, strong brewery.

“Wonho, aw fuck, you are alive!” He said with relief and grabbed his friend, clinging onto him with sigh of happiness. Wonho couldn't help but smile and give the hug back, since he didn't want to make his friend feel abandoned again. He slapped his back in friendly manner a few times, Minhyuk laughed, and released him. “It’s so good to see you again… Shownu was really worried about you all…” he brushed Hoseok’s hair away from his forehead with worried expression in his big deep eyes.

“I know, it’s… Everything’s alright. I promise.” He smiled, sighing and looking around. This place looked less messy than theirs, there were three couches, one occupied by Hyungwon who was currently drinking some coffee from the cup and staring dully into the picture hanging on the wall. As pale and as empty as usual, just like was a porcelain figurine, not a living human being. It seemed like he stopped living, just kept on existing.

“Hey, boss, is everything okay?” Hoseok kneeled in front of him and smiled brightly, patting his friend’s arm. The other man just nodded slightly, trying to avoid the eye contact, but when their eyes finally met, he too smiled a bit, nodding a little bit stronger.

“I guess, it could’ve been worse. How is Jooheon doing? Did he already rebuilt your place?’ he asked jokingly, smiling a little bit wider, but then coughed and turned his head in the other direction. Wonho sighed and finally was able to sit next to him.

“He is fine, from what I’ve seen. But all I know is that he can’t sit his stubborn ass down, because he was shot yesterday and he already managed to bully Kihyun.” the male spreaded his arms and sighed, to which Hyungwon nodded again, backing off a little bit hesitantly. Hoseok wanted to add something, but he wasn’t sure if it wouldn’t have been too much of a bother for his friend. He just closed his eyes and leant on the couch back, hoping for a little rest, but these hopes were shattered quickly, as Shownu entered the room, wearing his camo jacket that he got from his grandfather, trousers from the illegal market, and old leather shoes, that had more tape on them, than actual leather.

“Good to see you, I was prepared for the worst.” he said quickly, standing next to them. Hyungwon started to pinch his palms nervously, looking down. “Good news, bad news?”

“First off, nobody died, everything is alright, Jooheon is safe. Kihyun… You know him, he is very worried but tries to give his best and Chan-” started Wonho, opening his one eye.

“I don’t want to know how is he.” Hyunwoo seemed like he was about to explode in a second. “This… Kid almost killed Jooheon! The person who gave him home, who took care of him, who told us that there’s nothing to be afraid of, because, oh this is only a kid! That’s why we don’t trust most of the outsiders. When I see I.M. he’s going to regret he…” Wonho grabbed his arm, when he was aggressively gesturing in the air. Their eyes met, when the other man clenched his fingers, trying to calm the leader down. Hyungwon shook his head, already about to leave the room for the sake of not witnessing another argument, but Minhyuk sent him a warning sight.

“Leave him out of this, it’s not his fault, Hyunwoo. Look, he just wanted to see his family…”

“And I don’t want to see mine? Of course I do, Wonho, but they are dead. All of them. It doesn’t justify him! What if I wanted to see mine and shot myself in head, what would you do?” Shownu tried to stay calm, but he definitely was holding his feelings back - and he wasn’t good at it. His eyelid was twitching, and his breath got faster. He brushed off Hoseok’s hand and leant on the wall, covering his face. “How am I supposed to trust a snake like this? He literally KILLED…”

“Okay, you are exaggerating…”

“Could you please shut up?!” nobody expected such a burst, especially from Hyungwon. He got up, staring into the floor and clenching his fists on his old, stained t-shirt. “All of you, especially you.” he pointed at surprised Hyunwoo. Minhyuk arose his head, so did Wonho, ready for the intervention, in case the argument transformed into a brawl. All of four friends were ready to attack each other, but not to do any harm - just to protect each other in some weird absurd way.

“Alright, alright, I will… Look, I just care about you all…”

“I don’t want to listen to this bullshit! Who do you think you are talking to?!” Hyungwon screamed, grabbing his own hair and trying to calm down, but everybody knew it’s too late for calming their friend down. He covered his ears, then sliding his hands down, on neck, pulling the skin with fingers, like he wanted to turn his attention from the panic growing in his guts to the pain outside his body. “Would you kick me out because I went to see my sister? Would you…” he started rocking back and forth on his feet. “We are not 14 anymore, you fucking bastard! Who do you think you are, ordering everybody around and deciding who is right and who is wrong?! You are… You disgust me, he just wanted to see his family, thinking they forgave him! He didn’t plan fucking homicide, he just wanted to see his family…”

“WE are his family now, or so I thought…”

“Shut up!” said Hyungwon again and covered his ears again. Wonho wanted to grab him from the back, and make him calm down by strength, but he didn’t know how his friend would react to it. Hyungwon continued:

“You say it but you don’t care! You just straight up say he betrayed us, when he just wanted an absolution from the people he came from. Wouldn’t you do the same?” his voice broke down. Minhyuk looked at Hyunwoo with tired face expression, holding a bottle of beer in his hands, and shook his head. Not worth it, stop it.

“Hyungwon, alright, calm down… Everything is fine…” Hoseok tried to cool off the situation, putting hands on his friend’s arms, but he didn’t succeed.

“I would love to stop this conspiracy shit and see my sister again, be back to normal life! But I know that…” Chae was tearing up, but they couldn’t see his tears - he probably cried them all out up til now. “My father would burn me, skin me alive, after everything I did. But he won’t kill me, because he knows…”

“Hyungwon please.”

“He knows that death would be a salvation for me.”

Everybody went quiet, all of a sudden, even the dogs in the neighbourhood.

Most of the times they didn’t talk about death - carpe diem, as I.M. once said. Minhyuk used to say, that they need to be grateful for the life they have, while it lasts. And most of them agreed with him by that time - they were younger, they were just kids. Swearing on their own lives, that they will be brothers, and sealing their promise with their own blood. It seemed brutal, but in this world, left by god a long time ago - what was not brutal, after all? So they enjoyed their lives - they mocked the authorities in any way possible, they had been fucking with them for the past few years and they were uncaught - up until now. Hoseok still remembered when Hyunwoo wasn’t so stressed. When Jooheon hadn’t had that dark sense of humour of his, and Kihyun had walked without help, blessing every day in front of them. When Minhyuk hadn’t drunk that much and hadn’t had the need to be a voice of reason, or anybody like this. When Hyungwon was full of hope and love for the world around him, and Hoseok himself was smiling everyday he woke up.

Times had changed - maybe they grew up naturally, but he suspected that the reality surrounding this cursed place, forced them to become men much earlier than they were supposed to be. It was a cruel world, where nobody who wasn’t strong enough could survive - so they tried their best, but not to fit in - but to bend the laws of this crooked universe and make them in their favor, just a little bit. Or at least they thought, they did.

The sound of shutting door woke Wonho up from his reflections, and he could notice, that both - Hyungwon and Hyunwoo - left the room. One went upstairs, and the another one - to the “kitchen”.

“Fucked up, right?” said Minhyuk, resting his arm on Hoseok’s shoulder, shrugging. “What a modern tragedy, you couldn’t have seen a better one in theaters.” he clucked with admiration.

“Why do you have to be so ironic?” the other man closed his eyes and bent his head back again. The day just had started, and he felt like it’s already too much.

“Somebody’s ought to be.” his friend shrugged and sat patted his chest. “I will try to calm down Shownu, go talk to Hyungwon. You two get along, and… You always seem to cheer him up. I don’t know what happened today, he didn’t show any signs this morning…” Minhyuk closed his eyes and admitted:

“Wonho, I am just… Tired.”

Hoseok clenched his fists and breathed out, looking at his friend with exhaustion, trying to put on gentle smile, again, to cheer up everybody. As usual, even if some time ago it was Minhyuk who did this, when somebody was sad, he used the magical ability to make them feel better almost immediately.

“I know.” this is all he could say to his friend, before he stood up and walked to the stairs, but hesitated for a while. “It will be better, Minhyuk. You said it, remember? These are your words.”

“Don’t blame me, Hoseok, but I think that I lied. In fact I… I don’t know. I don’t know if...” but Wonho didn’t listen to this, he just started climbing on the stairs, sighing with resignation, while his friend was looking at him. The truth was always causing the most pain, and was the hardest to accept. He stepped onto the second floor and looked around, trying to find Hyungwon…

Which wasn’t the easiest thing to do - there were a lot of useless furniture laying on the floor, some in really bad condition - shattered bookshelves, that crumbled under his feet as he walked; some looking pretty decent - plastic chairs, cardboards, forks and spoons. He didn’t want to call his friend’s name - he was too afraid it would actually scare him out. And more panic is not what Wonho needed right now. He just wandered around, searching for Hyungwon behind the doors, and under heavy piles of garbage. When he finally found him, his friend was sitting on the window frame and looking into the horizon. With no intention of scaring him, Hoseok decided not to move by an inch, observing him in silence, paused only by his heavy breathing. Chae slightly bowed his head, letting his friend in, but not looking at him. It seemed like all of their emotions just floated around them, making them somewhat uncomfortable.

Given the proper invitation, Hoseok came into the room, focusing his eyes on his friend, who in this light looked almost like he was just a spirit of past times. His pale skin reflected some of the light coming from the sunrise. He was so unhealthily skinny and quiet, but at the same time so beautiful and charming, just like the sun in the morning itself. Wonho sat down next to his friend and looked at his face - frowned, focused on the horizon, with eyes reminiscent of the purest diamond and chapped lips, which managed to look extremely silky and soft. And his sunken cheeks, which brought up his cheekbones even more and gave him that cadaverous expression, that everybody knew him from. Even after all those years, when Hyungwon was looking only like a mere shadow of his past self, Wonho still found him bewitchingly comely.

After a moment of silence that seemed to last forever, Hyungwon just whispered:

“I didn’t mean to scream.” his lips barely moved, but his fingers clenched on his loose trousers. He closed his eyes, so his eyelashes threw even darker shadow on his face. It felt like he wanted to cry, but couldn’t shed a single tear - like they all disappeared magically. Maybe he hadn’t any left. “I-i…” he stuttered and breathed deeply in.

“I know, but we can’t give up right now, Hyungwon.” Wonho frowned, letting few wrinkles of worry sneak on his facade. He slowly put his hand on his friend’s arm, ready for him to reject the gesture. And so he did. He gently brushed off Hoseok’s rough palm and opened his eyes, shaking his head. “You know that Hyunwoo didn’t mean this, he is just really worried about us all. Including Changkyun, but he won’t admit that.”

“Yeah.” his friend said, raising his sight and biting his lip. “He prides himself in his wise decisions, but lacks of simple empathy.” the words were coming out of his mouth even though he looked like he wasn’t talking at all. Wonho listened to his soft, velvet voice and just closed his eyes. He felt that Hyungwon wants to say something, so he didn’t try to engage normal conversation, but push him to a monologue. He knew that he won’t probably get much response, but still he hoped for something.

The other man shook his head again and hidden his face in hands, shaking a bit, looked at Hoseok through wide spreaded fingers. He wanted to cry but again - he couldn’t release a single tear.

“I want this to end, I want all of this to end. I can’t take it anymore, look, we are fighting each other more than we are fighting the system. What’s even the purpose of fighting anymore, what is the purpose of The Clan itself? Please, think of it. How can we be so fucking delusional to hope that something will change, that the world will change… We can’t do it Wonho, we cannot just change the world like this.” he snapped his fingers and licked his lips nervously. “We are not saviours, we are seven delusional men, maybe we should just… Give up. We should give up, Wonho, for the best. Not only our best, but our families, and… Listen to me please, I am so fucking afraid of dying but if we will keep on fighting we will die for sure. Did you see Jooheon? He was fucking bleeding out, he was coughing blood, he couldn’t… Breathe, and he still tried to protect I.M.. The worst thing is that…. You would do the same, right? So would I, so would anybody else. But this is not the option. We have to give up and try to escape, not put up to another fight. I don’t want to die, because I don’t want to lose you.”

Hoseok did knew, that these words weren’t directly pointed towards him, but he felt sudden pain in his guts. He opened his eyes a little bit wider, tried to say something, but Hyungwon didn’t stop talking.

“You all. Are. A family. That I never truly had. I am begging you here, be a reasonable person and talk to them. Speak our mind. You can do it, you are strong and…” he shook his head again, sobbing dry, and bending from the internal pain. Hoseok felt the sudden urge to cheer him up in not very convenient way, but he hesitated, knowing that touching Hyungwon would result in another burst of panic, even worse than the one before. “I am begging you, as your brother. Please.” he said again, weakly.

Hoseok was lost for words, again this day. This whole shit was tiring for him too, but who he was to deny it all? They needed the freedom, they needed it now. They needed a new world order, they craved the rebellion even if they knew that their desires were utopian, to say the least.

“We have to go for a walk, buy some supplies. You are staying overnight at our place.” Hoseok couldn’t respond in any other way, than just a blank order. He didn’t want to get emotional now, he wanted to show that he cares, but at the same time wanted to come out as the glue that holds them together. He couldn’t show any weaknesses now, as it would bring Hyungwon down even more.

His friend stopped shaking and almost immediately pushed his sorrows away, or it just did seem so. He got up on those weak, stick-like legs and brushed through his hair, letting out short and almost unable to be heard:

“Sure”

~~~

_“I hope that you are not seeing that Lee boy again, are you?” the harsh tone of his father’s voice was like a scourge for Hyungwon, who was sitting hunched by the table and slowly chewing the leftovers from dinner. The boy just nodded quietly, but added in jokingly tone:_

_“Which Lee?” but he didn’t get as hilarious answer._

_“You know which one.” the mouth that he hated the most said, breathing out the cigarette smoke. Hyungwon lowered his head and hunched even more. He tried to calm down, but his father was looking at him with that wildness in his eyes. A second or two had passed, and he asked again. “Lee Hoseok. That one.”_

_Chae swallowed and looked at his dad with a slight expression of terror in his eyes. No. He won’t talk about his friend again, especially not with this man. He acted like that question didn’t surprised him at all and carelessly answered:_

_‘He is doing fine, as far as I know.” he said sitting in very uncomfortable and stiff position, feeling like his death was upon him in a matter of few seconds. But it didn’t. Maybe it was just a silence, before a huge storm. “Last time I saw him… I don’t even remember that.”_

_“Well.” his father coughed a few times and poured the smoke out of his mouth. “And I hope it will stay this way. You are spending too much time with him, and other… People like him. Do you know what they say about them?”_

_“Father, it’s not like-”_

_“It’s not like what, Hyungwon? They all had changed, some time ago they were normal too. And now I don’t want them to turn you savage. Something messed with their brains, they don’t think by themselves.” the man said harshly, getting up and walking up to his son, grabbing the collar of his shirt, he looked the scared boy right in his absent eyes “They want to take my only son but they won’t succeed. Because I. Won’t let. Them.”_

~~~

“Thank you” said Jooheon, when Changkyun passed him a bowl full of steaming, fresh soup. They were sitting on a mattress, next to old, devastated wall, covered in their own jackets. The man smiled to the younger one, nodding symbolically. I.M. nodded too, almost immediately taking a look around the building, as if something might occur in a second. But the world stayed silent, only Kihyun was humming something in his sleep. Jooheon looked at his friend with concern in eyes, but then started eating rapidly. “It’s very good… You should become our cook, you know. Kihyun has enough shit to do, he should take a rest more often.” he patted his friend’s shoulder. Changkyun smiled brightly and lowered his head shyly.

“I don’t know if I am good enough.” he said and closed his eyes, resting his head on the wall. Jooheon looked at him as if he wanted to beat him up.

“You better shut up or I’ll die from punishing you for saying bullshit like this! Are you fucking serious, this is one of the best things I ate in… Past few years. Don’t go so hard on yourself kid, I think you’ve had enough.” he stated and ruffled the other man’s hair, smiling. “Listen… Don’t blame yourself for this.” he pointed on his bandages and smiled.

Changkyun swallowed and sniffed, wiping his nose with dirty sleeve. He felt like crying right now, but he didn’t want to annoy Jooheon even more. He knew that if he cried, his friend would feel guilty for it, so he kept a straight face, and even managed to pull off a weak shrug. Even though the other man almost sacrificed himself in order to save him, the miserable lost child, he still acted like it was nothing and it was Changkyun who’d been shot, not him.

It was always like this - one of them fucked up but Jooheon tried not to blame anybody - but himself. Whether it was Wonho losing their money, Minhyuk’s and Kihyun’s car accident, Hyunwoo’s father dying - Jooheon took all of the blame on himself. Because he hadn’t taught him well, because he had let them steal the car, because he hadn’t been on time, when his friend needed money and supplies. But at the same time he managed to stay relatively positive and to encourage others, that they exist for a reason. And that they have to stay together, no matter what happens. This is why he and Shownu - despite being almost best friends, fought very often.

“Why are you so quiet? Come on, I am bored as fuck here, at least entertain me in some way.” Changkyun’s friend said, putting off the bowl and looking at him in very persuasive way, ruffling his hair and smiling. “Is there something on your mind, kid? Something I should know about?”

I.M. swallowed slowly and lowered his head while shaking it. Focusing his sight on the bucket, lying slovenly on the floor. He tried to bridle his thoughts.

“Everything is alright, like… You have to trust me. I still can’t get over the fact that I was so stupid…” he said and closed his eyes. Jooheon couldn’t do anything, but smile brightly.

“Yeah this wasn’t very clever of you to just enter the hostile territory like this!” he patted his friend’s back in jokingly manner, smiling brightly, but after making that sudden movement, he started coughing and had to lean back. Changkyun looked at him with serious fear in his eyes, but the other man raised his hand, to calm him down. “I am.. Alright. It hurts a little. I will be okay.”

Jooheon raised his eyesight, just to see the terrified face of his best friend, and Kihyun almost immediately jumping out from bed. The other man glared at them, kneeling on the floor, his face twisted with pain.

“Jooheon, are you alright?” he asked with weak voice, looking for his crutches, but Changkyun, releasing himself from the embrace, gave them to him almost immediately. “I heard coughing, I shouldn’t fall asleep for so long…”

“Oh my fucking god, if somebody asks me if I am okay for one more time, I’m gonna lose my shit, i swear.” he mumbled and rested his head on the wall. I.M. helped Kihyun stand in the right position, so the other man could walk up to the wounded easier. “It’s nothing to be worried about, I was shot before! Don’t act like it’s something new to you!”

“Calm down, okay? Please, don’t scream.” Kihyun frowned and squinted his eyes, which meant only one thing - his migraine was back. “And what the heck are you talking about, last time you got shot in your leg not your… Darn chest, so let us help you!” he screamed even louder than Jooheon did before. Both of friends looked at him a bit frightened. But he didn’t say anything after that sudden burst, he just sat down. “What time is it?”

“It’s almost noon.” said Jooheon and got up, walking up to the window.

The sun was shining bright today, so there was no particular reason for him to be sad. The energy comes from the sun - and when it gets dark, you have to be the sun for other people - his mother used to say, when they were walking back home from the kindergarten. When everything used to be almost fine. Joo let a quiet sigh and closed his eyes, letting the sun slightly touch his face, and the brisk wind run through his hair. A beautiful day indeed, a perfect day for a walk, stroll on the coast, getting in some trouble. He threw a sneaky look over his arm, and seeing Kihyun's troubled face, almost immediately dropped that idea. No, that would make the others even sadder. And this is not what he was there for. Right?

“We should meet up and… Discuss everything, and… Unite, bond..” he spreaded his hands, although the left one was leaning closer to his chest. Kihyun and I.M. exchanged looks for a second, but wouldn't dare interrupting their friend. They just waited. “Do  _this_ again. Like many times before.”

He just closed his eyes and sat down on the windowsill, slowly breathing. His face was calm, but Kihyun knew that deep inside him slumbered a raw, unpolluted anger, that would break free soon - it was just a matter of time. Unlike them, who got used to the unforgiveness of society - Jooheon was filled with sorrow that in time transformed into rage - the world was too unfair for somebody that lawful. Sometimes, he had a thought that his friend had been sent there from a different dimension, and that's why he is so surprised by the human cruelty. He had his eyes wide open from the moment he was born, but he was never prepared for cursing them with all the filth that just waited to break him down. But it had never happen and, they all had a slight hope that - it never would.

“Agreed.” Kihyun smiled and hobbled to Jooheon, resting hand on his arm. “When Wonho comes back, I will inform the others.”

“Like good old times” his friend smiled.

“Yes. Like good old times.

~~~

They walked in total silence, although there were many people surrounding them, minding their own business. But their two - they stayed quiet, which might had had seen very suspicious, for somebody who wasn't a commoner in their company. But the fact was that they didn't need much words to communicate with each other. And Hyungwon didn't talk much, so there was basically no point in starting conversation. Most times, when somebody said something - it was Hoseok. Asking about Hyungwon's mood, what had he eaten, how had been the sleep, whether he had rested well or not. There was little or no answer, usually. But they had known each other for so long, that it wasn't a big problem for Wonho to read from his friend like from an open book.

They stepped into the water supply store, and immediately bowed to the older lady on the other side of the primitive counter.

“Good morning…” Hyungwon said and smiled weakly, putting some money in front of her. “Two… canisters of water, please, thank you.”

She smiled at him, and sighed slightly. First, which was not surprising at all, she took the money, and then she nodded at both of them to follow her. They looked at each other, and started walking, Wonho first, because he saw hesitation in his friend’s eyes.

Entering small cluttered room, lit up by a small, weak lightbulb in the middle of the ceiling, they’ve noticed impressive amount of supplies, including clean water, fresh meat, potatoes, and even a box of chocolates. Wonho blinked a few times, looking at this, and when they grabbed the canisters, he nodded towards the potatoes and chocolate, showing “ten” and then “all” with his free hand. The lady just smiled and packed requested ten pounds of potatoes and whole sweet box into the linen bag Hyungwon gave her before.

When they walked out of the store, and Hoseok waved back to the lady, who smiled really genuinely and nodded to them silently, without any words.

“Hyunwoo’s going to get mad, because you’re wasting money again, on unnecessary things.” Hyungwon said, reposing the bag on his back and staring into the horizon.

“Hyunwoo aka mr mad won’t be ‘tho mad when you ‘thove fistful of chocolate’th into hi’th mouth.” Wonho laughed brightly and patted his friend’s arm. The other man couldn’t help but smile, a bit shyly. But he got serious again very quickly.

“You lisp.”

“Oh, sorry.”

They almost immediately got back to total silence, just walking by each other side, steadily, without any hurry. Sometimes Wonho looked at his friend with some weird reflection in his eye, but it wasn’t anything negative - in fact it cold resemble worry, or concern, nothing less, maybe something more. But nothing dangerous, at least for now - Wonho worried about all of his friends, not only Hyungwon. That would be irrational. And yet, he felt genuine urge to take care of him. Sometimes when he looked at him he felt a shiver running down his spine, a rather pleasant one. The other man was beautiful, at least to him - everything he did was making Wonho wanting to watch him even more. When he cooked, talked, danced, spoke. When he slept.

“I have something on my face, don’t I?” Hyungwon asked his friend, immediately shattering his dreamy face expression and making him look a little bit troubled. “Am I dirty? Somewhere here?”

“Wh- No!” Hoseok shook his head and immediately felt embarrassment, as he got caught overthinking again.

“Then please, stop staring at me.” he said coldly, and walked faster.


End file.
